We’re but one weekend (it should have been just the weekend instead of those two Monday night games for whatever silly reason) into the new Premier League season and already we’re writing new narratives and ripping up old ones.
Calling up our mates to laugh in their faces, telling everyone you see down the pub that your final table predictions are going to be bang on even though we’re only 2.6% of the way through the season. You know, jumping to conclusions way too soon.
Don’t fib though, so have you. Everyone does it. Only infrequently do we have that one guy who’s far too level headed and logical to dampen our fun.
Not on this occasion. We’re going full over-the-top overreaction.
Let’s not beat around the bush here, Tottenham were dire in their loss to Everton. Nothing about that performance indicated that Spurs were set for a top four charge, nor did it highlight Jose Mourinho’s managerial acumen.
Uninterested and devoid of imagination, Mourinho is finished. His time as an elite coach is done.
From Manchester United to Spurs, then probably on to West Brom when he and Slaven Bilic are both moved on from their respective posts. Then, after that, probably an international job somewhere.
Want to learn how to header a ball? Watch Dominic Calvert-Lewin’s banger against Spurs.
Want to learn how to meagerly press defenders? Watch Harry Kane against Everton.
Boasting 100% more goals in 2020/21 than his fellow countryman, Gareth Southgate is already preparing his speech for when he calls Kane to tell him he’s been dropped in the England lineup.
Did you see that pass he tried to make? The one where under no pressure at all, he spooned it way out of play and for a throw-in?
He’s totally useless. His performance was flat, disjointed and, in a nut shell, rubbish.
Can you believe Chelsea spent over £70m on him?! That one display confirms he’s destined to be the outfield Kepa under Frank Lampard. Total waste of money.
Playing the mighty Fulham off the park at Craven Cottage, anyone who predicts Arsenal finishing anything other than comfortably in the top four is as mad as a box of frogs.
Did they not see how poor they made this Fulham side look? Willian was utterly sublime – and will win the Ballon d’Or – and Gabriel Magalhaes showed why he is the answer to Arsenal’s years of defensive woes by bullying Ivan Cavaleiro and Aboubakar Kamara for the whole 90 minutes.
Mikel Arteta is the second coming of Arsene Wenger and nothing will change that.
A 3-0 win over the Cottagers absolutely cements it.
Mate. Come on. You’re supposed to be the best central defender in world football, why are you making such a hash of long balls?
Not only that, you let Patrick Bamford turn you inside out, Jack Harrison slip you into his pocket and concede three goals to a Leeds side who have literally no goals in them.
Errors galore. That’s not good enough. He should be dropped immediately for the Chelsea game coming up: #FreeMatip
Callum Wilson and Andy Carroll.
There is no other manager in the Premier League who would even dare of lining up with a strike partnership like that one. That is, of course, except Steve Bruce.
Who scored on his debut? Wilson. Who also scored on his debut? Jeff Hendrick.
He outsmarted a former Manchester United manager. Steve Bruce, getting one over a man who managed the biggest club in world football. Absolute genius.
West Brom, with all of their five defenders, could do nothing to prevent Jamie Vardy scoring twice at the Hawthorns.
Who cares what age he is, he’s doing it again.
Forget about securing the third most points of any Premier League side in the nine games since Project Restart, that was clearly a total fluke and a hopelessly wrong reflection of how good Southampton are.
You wan’t a fairer example of how good Ralph Hasenhuttl is as a manager?
NINE – ZERO.
Yes. That’s right. Defeat away at Crystal Palace proves he’s no good after all.
Ok, right, so Sheffield United are this amazing side who’re so defensively sound that their lack of any goals up front is forgotten about? Got it. That’s why they were in European contention last season, right?
Think again. Two goals conceded at home in the first six minutes?
You’ll need to have a rethink about this supposedly ‘solid defence’. They’re going down. Simple as.
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